'When I look back now,
That summer seemed to last forever.
And if I had the choice yeah
I'd always want to be there.
Those were the best days of my life.'
Bryan Adams. 'Summer of 69'.
A Summer Idyll. Sunny days and warm evenings, Pimms, alfresco meals in garden settings
or overlooking the sea with family and friends/the partner of your dreams/ in magnificent
solitude. Or do you allow little worries to spoil all this?
Cwg has done the worrying for you-so you don't have to.
Will we have a Summer? We have just had the wettest Spring in England and Wales
since 1986 (32% higher rainfall than average). As Southern Europe swelters in
temperatures of 40 degrees+ we Brits have been struggling to find an umbrella left to buy
in M&S. However not everyone is unhappy about the rain. A straw poll conducted amongst
local slugs and snails reports an overwhelming satisfaction level with the present climate.
'Great' said a particularly obese-looking slimeball on the path who did not want to be
identified. 'I have eaten my way through all her hostas and am planning a midnight feast
tonight on her newly-planted delphiniums. But I am worried because it has stopped
raining. Now I am terrified at the prospect of a heatwave'.
Top Tip: plant fennel and lavender. Slugs do not like heavy fragrance.
Asian Hornets
These have survived the British winter for the first time and are considering making this
country their permanent home. We interviewed one Asian Hornet who did not want to give
his/her name but who said,'We know that immigrants are not popular in your country but
our own part of the world is getting far too hot and there are so many of us and we need
new opportunities so we are coming to Europe whether you like it or not and as we can fly
we do not have to rely on small boats to get across the Channel'.
Mary Beard
You may be worrying that every time you turn on your radio or TV, there she is, exhorting
us to imagine what it would have been like to be a Roman legionnaire, or the wife of a
tavern-keeper in Pompeii, a gladiator or an Emperor. Disturbing stuff and she is unsparing,
describing the dangers and deprivations, the harsh realities of being poor in Rome and the
harsh realities of being powerful. She tells us relentlessly that our lives are just like theirs
so you cannot sleep for worrying that the water supply may be contaminated, (you see,
our lives are just like theirs.) The Tiber was a source of contamination, used to dump all
manner of detritus (including the executed). 'Tiber Water-building a better future for our
customers, our region and our planet'.
Sport
Then there is all the sport ………And what a lot of it there is. The Cricket World Cup 2024,
the Paris Olympics and Paralympics this Summer, Royal Ascot (finished last Saturday so
you can cross this one off the list), the Tour de France (July), Wimbledon (What are we
going to do without Andy Murray? Answer: lose as usual) or Euro 2024? This is the one
that is causing all the excitement at the moment but you may be worried that you didn't
even realise that it was taking place. Or maybe you worry that you actually don't care very
much and that just 7 weeks down the line you cannot even remember who won Eurovision
2024 and that you don't care about that either.
Top Tip: Crucial game for England at 20:00 on Tuesday. Our best advice-go to bed early
that night and avoid all the stress.
Glastonbury (end of June)
Are you ready for Glasto? Got your ticket? (£355+£5 booking fee. Tickets sold out last
November.) You are instructed to bring a tent and not a gazebo and you need designer
welly boots and flowers in your hair to be credible.
Have you decided which bands you are going to head for? Dua Lipa no doubt and Sir Paul.
However we have compiled a handy list for you of lesser-known acts that will be
appearing at Glastonbury this year to tempt you. Music, Art, Comedy, Poetry……..
*Psychedelic Porn Crumpets *Seasick Steve *Tolstoy *The Snuts
*Billy Nomates *Beans on Toast *The Scratch *3 Daft Monkeys
*DJ BORING, *DJ Fkf *The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican
*Girls of the Internet *Thrill Collins *Oh My God! It's the Church
*Worm Disco Club, *Scarsdake Fats *Alogte Oho Jonas and his Sounds of Joy
*Guy. In. Glasses *Ethan Forks *Drippy Chin *Wasted Space'
*Joanna and the Dropouts *Gutterfunk *Oliver Sudden *Emergency Steve
*The Disappointments *Uncle Brian's Abattoir *Professor Sprout
All these are appearing at Glastonbury this year and you may worry that you won't get to
see them all.
Top Tip: Don't overload. Be selective. Pace yourself and hope Rod Stewart turns up.
And now we hear that some sun cremes don't work, Stonehenge has turned
orange and that when you go to the theatre you risk a member of the cast
falling off stage and landing on top of you. And have you got your glitter dress
to welcome Taylor Swift to England?
So, we think we have covered all the major events happening in the next few weeks and
can see little else to occupy your thoughts. If you think we have left anything out do let us
know. We wish you a Happy Summer.