Ruminations of an Anas Platyrhynchos on a pond near you.

Firstly may I point out that I am not lame, nor am I an Anas Platyrhynchos. (Duck). I am a
Alopochen aegyptiaca. An Egyptian goose because I look like I have got a lot of black
makeup round my eyes like Cleopatra. And I am a boy so it can be a bit confusing. Round
my way we are all called 'ducks'. 'Oooh look, Sophie, at the ducks, aren't they sweet?
Have you brought the food Mummy put in the bag for you to give to them darling?' Pause.
'Where is the nice food for the ducks, Sophie?' Pause. 'I ate it on the way here Daddy
while you were looking at your phone.' 'Oh well darling, I don't suppose the ducks will
mind, will they?' Well I DO mind. Sophie is on her way with Daddy to Pizza Express for a
Margherita and a chocolate double scoop ice-cream with toffee fudge sauce and she has
just eaten my dinner.

Living on a pond in a nice part of the Borough opposite a pub, I get to see all kinds of
things. Some so-called environmentalist has put up a sign telling the public not to feed us
bread. I happen to like a nice piece of bread, particularly a slice of five grain sourdough or
a cheese and walnut focaccia. Somebody once threw me a whole pain au raisin from
Marks and Spencer. That was very nice but now the sign says to feed us peas (defrosted)
and halved grapes. I kid you not! Once a woman threw in a whole Christmas cake,
muttering something like, 'That's the last time I bother to bake a cake for you Dave!' Best
Festive Season I ever had.

But on the subject of food, I get a bit twitchy about the menu at the pub opposite. Mains:
'Canard a l'orange.' Not very diplomatic is it? But then nor are phrases like, 'He took to it
like a duck to water'. Belittling if you ask me. Waterbirds have spent years evolving into
creatures that can swim (and fly) so to hear someone passing and congratulating his five
year old on being able to ride a bike without stabilisers, 'You've taken to that Alexander
like a duck to water' is not very thoughtful when there am I on the pond just a few feet
away. 'Water off a duck's back', is another one. There isn't a weatherproof jacket on the
planet that is as impervious to water as our feathers but there they go again, taking us for
granted. Try floating on a pond in a Force 10 rainstorm, and every so often 'ducking'-
excuse the pun - under the water, to retrieve a Fortnum and Mason Baguette Parisienne,
in your North Face All Weather Rain Wear 'guaranteed to keep out the showers', and see
how you get on. And why the song, 'There once was an ugly duckling'? Why not an ugly
rhinoceros or a camel? Our offspring are never ugly. Go and look in the Park right now,
cute baby ducks all over the place. But you should see what comes past me in a buggy
sometimes. Yet nobody ever says to a human, 'My God your baby is ugly!' So why pick on
ducks?

But finally, STOP PRESS! Brilliant news!! Thames Water are going to use their 3 billion loan
to avoid 'going under' - excuse another pun - to launch a campaign to tell the public just
how well they are doing. You know, clean water for all and all that and the unmistakable
image to front this incredible initiative is going to be ME, yes you heard right, ME,
swimming on the pond in the sunshine, with the slogan, 'Clean water is not just for ducks.'
I have agreed to forgo my claim to be a goose, I am now officially a duck and will be
remunerated with all the pain au raisin I can eat.
However , the bad news is, I am set to lose my disability benefits under new government plans
as I can walk, swim AND fly so my mobility allowance will be scrapped and I will have to go
and get a proper job. That could prove difficult.