Due to an unfortunate incident occurring whilst I was King I have been forced to issue a retrospective apology for what seems to me to be an insignificant culinary event during what might be considered an illustrious reign par excellence. I do not wish to appear embittered or petty but consider the record of some of my successors and their monumental  mistakes:

Stephen-Anarchy fiasco

Henry II- Becket fiasco

John- Loss of the Angevin Empire fiasco

Edward II Ignominious end involving a red hot poker fiasco

Henry VI- Wars of the Roses fiasco

Richard III- Buried in a car park fiasco

Henry VIII- Various fiascos as highlighted by H. Mantel

Charles I- Lost his head

George IV- Lost his dignity

Edward VIII- Lost his throne            And the list  continues.......Judge for yourselves.

But all I did was burn a few cakes that were not cakes anyway. It was not like I ruined a Black Forest Gateau (no disrespect to the Germans) or the Delia Smith family Christmas cake.

Nobody round here seems to remember all the things I did for the Anglo Saxons. I have not been called 'Great' for nothing you know. I am the only English King (or Queen) to have been called 'Great,' up there with illustrious figures such as Alexander the Great, Herod the Great, Pompey the Great, Constantine the Great, Charlemagne (means Charles the Great obviously), Peter the Great, Frederick the Great, The Great Gatsby, The Great British Bake Off …....the list goes on but none of these were English (well, apart from the last one). I think you get my point?

If it had not been for me we might have been overrun by the Scandis (think Euro 74 and Abba) but no, all you lot remember was that I 'burned the cakes'. I was fleeing from the Vikings at the time and took refuge in a hovel and one of my subjects who did not recognise me (why ever not?) asked me to keep an eye on the stuff she had in the oven. I was tired as anyone would be after fighting those mad Danes and so I nodded off and the bloody cakes got burned.  So? So? What is more important, English freedom or some not very nice cake? And how was I supposed to know her husband was called Mr. Kipling?

Top Tips-sponsored by Tesco

How to make 'Alfred Cakes'.

You will need: ground wheat, rye or oats. All available from our stores and online.

Method: mix with water and bake on an open fire. The outsides should be just lightly scorched but the insides fluffy and warm. Makes a never-to-be-forgotten dinner party accompaniment to turnip soup.

No time to cook? In danger of falling asleep? Celebrate EuroVision 2024 in style with our authentic Wessex muffins and crumpets. Baking fit for a King. (Anglo-Saxon).